I’ve had this written for so long… I’ve just not had the guts to post it but here it is.
In sixth form, I had a fab group of friends. We had some crazy times out, in school, there was never a dull moment, I loved it. Slowly though, I withdrew myself from everyone and people started noticing. I remember 2 of my good friends now, taking me aside and asking me if everything was okay and I exploded ‘yeah everything’s fine’. I was scared people were noticing something was wrong. (I appreciate that so much now btw guys x).
I’ve been uncomfortable in my own skin for a few years, small comments from when I was younger about how I look, being called fat and ugly (I know everyone gets that, its rubbish). One day, I decided to take a step to change, I wanted to take control so I started going to the gym. I went for a while, and got frustrated I couldn’t see any difference and wanted to take another route. So, I stopped eating. I tried to do it slyly so no one would notice, making my portions smaller, etc. I did this for a few months, and people started noticing. I’d go to sixth form and get comments like ‘omg you look amazing’, ‘how did you lose so much weight you look so good’. It was like a drug, the more comments I got, the less I ate because I felt good, I felt confident, I liked the way I looked. Slowly, things started deteriorating… my body temperature was always cold, my periods stopped, my hair was falling out, I didn’t want to do anything because I didn’t have the energy, I didn’t want to see anyone. All of this didn’t matter though because I felt good, I looked good. Then, my mum took me to the GP and I was fuming. All that control I had, was taken away. Constant arguments, and avoiding things. I liked the way I looked, and going to the GP was the same as her forcing me to eat, making me fat and I was so angry at her for it. I had Anorexia, and it was horrible. Being told I have to eat or die was the hardest thing to hear because it’s like I had no way out. I was going to die. Eating & putting on weight for me, was like dying, the thought was the same. I had 6 month’s therapy and didn’t tell anyone. I did my A levels throughout everything, I just acted like everything was ok. Food is something that you can’t avoid. If you’re claustrophobic, you can avoid busy places, food is everywhere. I feared lunchtimes at sixth form, especially when people commented on my food I would just want to sit alone and cry. I came home and argued and cried every day to my mum saying I felt unhappy and that I couldn’t do it anymore, it was too hard to eat, I didn’t want to because I was scared of putting on weight. I felt alone, like no one understood how hard it was to eat, how much I want to eat and be happy with it. I did the 6-month’s therapy, despite it being the hardest thing I have done, and am a normal weight.
Mentally, my mind is somewhat still confused and food is still challenging for me. I try to ignore it now but maybe that’s the wrong approach. Living with Anorexia is a thing, and that’s what I’m learning to accept. It’s a part of me and will always be in the back of my mind trying to control what I do and how I feel about myself. I have to just try my hardest to remind myself that it’s ok, and I am healthy now, I should do it in the right way not because I want to look a certain way, because I want to be comfortable being me.
This might sound cheesy but meeting someone, made me forget everything. I was so in the moment whenever I was with him it felt surreal how normal and happy I felt. I remember those initial few days so well and will never forget them because they made me feel like me again, like nothing had happened. It’s taught me to hold people like this close to me.
I’m still working on myself, but it’s ok to not be all there. A lot of the things I say to people, especially people closest to me, is influenced by everything. Have self-love and happiness in the centre of everything you do. Nurture your soul, this is my way of doing it. It’s okay to feel lonely, and if anyone reading this feels the same or somewhat similar know, you’re not alone.