Before I start, I just wanna say thank you everyone for all your messages, comments, calls everything. I was so nervous to post my first story especially because it’s probably the closest thing I keep to me but, after some messages my best friend sent me, I thought let me just do it! The response was amazing and everyone was so understanding and supportive ❤ so thank you guys!
I was confused on what to write next based on my previous post and was going to post another story but someone made me see this another way. The previous post was a lot about my experiences with Anorexia and how it affected me whilst I had it so I’ve decided that this post will be about my journey to over-coming it. I’m gonna be so honest because I still have problems with food and even writing the word ‘Anorexia’ makes me feel weird. It’s also hard to write a post on how I ‘recovered’ if you like because a) everyone is different and what worked for me might not work for someone else and b) I’m not 100% there yet so I wouldn’t wanna lie or make things seem like they’re better than they are but let me try.
Recovery was hard – eating was hard. I started by getting back into the routine of eating 3 meals a day which was hard because as well as the mental side to things, my stomach had shrunk. It was hard, but I used motivation of things I wanted to do in the future and how much I wanted to get there and if I didn’t eat, I wouldn’t have been at uni now, and met some of the fab people I know. As well as that, I did, and stuck to doing drama because it kept me distracted and sane. I’ve always liked the idea of acting like someone else because it kind of made me avoid being myself as weird as that sounds. So I act through characters. When you go through mentally challenging times, keeping busy with something you love doing keeps you going because it reminds you of your purpose. Keeping busy though, I’ve always thought that was a way of avoiding everything rather than dealing with the problem, but in fact, it’s what pushes you to want to do better.
Anorexia cut me off from all my friends because I didn’t want to face anyone and didn’t have the physical energy. Another thing part of recovery that helped was seeing people. This was hard, probably the hardest one; because of my thinking process, I thought when people saw me again after being a normal weight, everyone would notice I’d put on weight and comment on it. That made me so anxious because that was like my worst nightmare, it still is. Slowly, one by one, I saw people and it lowered that anxiety I feel from comments. When you feel like avoiding everyone, sometimes the best thing to do is try to fight that thought and push yourself to it because the feeling after is like no other. Almost makes you feel normal – despite how hard it can be.
Like I said, I’m not 100% there yet and do still find food situations hard. When I go out for a meal, I still look at the menu before to know what I’m having. Check nutritional information on food, avoid certain food situations like big family gatherings because it means I have no control over what I’m eating and breaks the healthiness I still focus on with eating. It still makes me panic, but what I can do now that I couldn’t when I had Anorexia, was fight that fear. It might be hard but I do it anyway because I feel accomplished rather than guilty for eating something I wanted to. Not every time, sometimes I feel so bad I avoid any food for the rest of the day; but, the difference between then and now is that I do it and it makes me proud.
It may not be the same but I hope it’s a little glimpse of hope for anyone who feels like they’re trapped in a mental state, it will get better and no matter how hard it seems, keep pushing so you can get there and look back on everything and think, I did it.